BLOOD AND GUTS.

wow, it's kind of wild to think that it's been so long since i've written in here. i mean, i have a good reason! i've moved back into writing in my physical journals by hand, so i think i'm going to retire this section of the website entirely. it was nice knowing you, though!

i'm probably gonna fail both my classes this semester, but i think that's okay, because it's been a lot of valuable learning experiences. like how it's important to vet your professors before picking out your classes so you don't end up with two that are huge scumbags, or that if you need disability accomodations you should probably get those sorted before the semester starts. lots of stuff like that!

i'm gonna be honest, man, i'm really fucking stressed. i had a real bad mental breakdown yesterday, it was a whole thing. i totally tweaked out on my meds and i had a super bad reaction to them because of the stress. i'm lucky to have the friends that i do: they really helped bring me back down to reality, and hanging out with them for a little bit grounded me in a way that i just really needed at that time.

but yeah, between college, finding a job, finding a place to live, and all the other million things i want to do with my time, i'm really stressed out!!! i'm just not the kind of person who's used to getting much of anything done at all, let alone getting all sorts of things done at a rapid pace. productivity just isn't my strong suit, so i've been having a lot of trouble pulling myself together, even WITH the meds i've been on helping with focus. it's all just stress stress stress, and it doesn't help that i'm still living at home!!

wagggh, whatever. there's a lot on this website that i want to do before i crawl into bed for the night. i just got the urge to revamp a few things that were bugging me, you know? so i'm doing that. wahey

hoooow the time passes, huh?

i don't really know what to talk about, but i have college work i'm procrastinating on. and my taxes. and some other stuff

and i'm sick on top of all of that. at least as of writing.

so, y'know, not doing super hot. i did start a webcomic! this journal section of my website is going to be inaccessible for a bit off the main index page, i think. in the meantime, i can keep writing in here if i like because i do what i want

i've been soooort of looking for jobs again. i rewrote my resume to suck less and make me sound more qualified, on top of including the fact that i'm in college right now. i DESPERATELY need to move out of the house - both my parents are huge homebodies and it's been driving me fucking insane. even though i live in an almost detached part of the house, them being around all the time is like a constant drain on my mental health and, by proxy, my ability to get anything done. what's strange is that i spend more time worrying about the logistics of moving than i do anything to actually raise the money to do so. like, i own a lot of things and i keep thinking about how i'd be organizing those things in a uhaul or something... but not how i'd MAKE the MONEY to RENT ONE in the FIRST PLACE!!!

waaah.

i'm just so stressed all the time, man. i really do need to get out more, get more social outlets. it's getting towards the end of spring break, and once i'm done with this semester of classes, i can try to pick the next one's to be a little more forgiving in terms of actually giving me time to socialize. i didn't check ratemyprofessor before picking my classes at first, so the two professors i DO have this semester are both pretty widely disliked for different reasons. plus, one of my classes is directly over a timeslot that i need open if i want to do like 80% of the club stuff going on that i'm actually interested in.

there's an FGC meetup that happens weekly in an area sort-of-pseudo-kind-of nearby, but it's a bit of a hassle to drive all the way there. i'd only ever been there the once, like, several months ago at this point, but i really do want to go back and i really do want to make a habit of going back. i worry that i made a bad impression by hanging out once and then immediately dipping, never to be seen again, but like-- fuck, dude, i just-

i don't know. i've barely had the juice to do much of anything. except play deep rock galactic i guess???? i HAVE been doing a lot of that, lol

i'm starting to get kind of cold. i took some dayquil and maybe i'll order in some food and finish the book i got from the library - Wolf In White Van by John Darnielle, aka frontman of the Mountain Goats, aka someone i deeply respect and admire the writing chops of. i've been trying to read more, since i do have books lying around i havent finished, or even touched. so i'm using this little journal i have that i got while i was visiting friends down in florida with succulents on it and i'm using that to keep track of what i'm reading.

chances are, though, i'll probably just crawl back into bed after i eat and

i'm on new meds, and they HAVE been helping me focus overall. but like i said in my comic, it's, uh... it's not exactly doing much for my motivation to do things that i actually NEED to do. it's given me the juice to attempt pursuing creative efforts more, and i'm happy for that, but that's not what i need to be focusing on right now! i don't have the luxury of expressing myself creatively, i need a fucking JOB.

...

that always blows to think about. making things is the only thing i want to do. it's the only thing i can think of doing. it's all i can ever bear doing. i want to hang out with my friends and relax and make art. i want to make art, i want to make beautiful things

fuck, man

it's hard being the person that i am in the time that i'm in

y'know, i used to wonder a lot if historians or archaeologists would ever find my old journals. i journalled a lot in middle and high school, mostly to avoid doing assignments during class, and i spent a lot of time thinking about that sort of thing. like, ooh, what would a future somebody think about me? what would they know about me?

but speaking as someone who HAS gone back and read those journal entries, years later, they'd probably think i was a bit of an asshole. and they would be right, because i'm a bit of an asshole. there's something to be said about ghosts on the internet, and the immortality of the written word, but like... if i'm not there to explain it, then am i really there at all? i'm still dead, at the end of the day, so it's not like my ghost can come out like "yeah i actually meant X when i wrote Y". when you die, you're dead, and that's all there is to it. no more revisions, no more edits, no more nothing.

i'm rambling a bit, but that's what the point of this is. place to get me to get the rambles out of me.

random side note, i've been working on a sculpture made of random articles of clothing and miscellaneous objects i've found around the house. i'm excited to post pictures when it's done! but that'll be a few months from now, i think - it's just a side thing i'm gonna poke at every so often.

i should figure out a way to properly organize my button pin collection- like, PROPERLY. i have a lot and i want to display them and make them look nice. i think i have an idea but it's going to need a fair amount of extra t shirt fabric, which thankfully i do have. i want to eventually take photos of it and post them here so i can make people look at it.

hey, speaking of posting, i wonder if anyone's talked about my website? as of right now, according to the neocities dashboard, i have 17,456 views!!!!! even according to the hit counter i have on my index page, which i added a little while after i first made this site, there's approx. 239 unique IP addresses that have visited me- assuming, that, like, i read the code for that right. that's insane!!!!!! that's so many people, all looking at my silly little corner of the web! it's kind of scary to think about... which is why i'm glad it's not on twitter or anything, lol

as much as i want to hear people's thoughts, i know me, and i know that having a strong buffer to filter that sort of talk is something you have to employ to have an even remotely healthy relationship with the internet. randos are always going to be upset with you and i just don't have the fortitude for dumb internet arguments.

i think that's about all i have, for now. i'll see you soon!

there's a lot on my mind.

i don't really know where to start. i did have an entry that i was writing here a few days ago but i hadn't saved it and so now those words are lost to the sands of time. i'm not too hung up over it, i didn't really say very much other than the usual "i'm afraid of being percieved" and "im fucking depressed" and at some point i mentioned i had therapy that day. that's about it. not much loss.

you know, i know that this is partly my own fault. i didn't keep up with a lot of people after high school. but i feel really alone. i have my internet friends, and they mean everything to me. they mean the whole world to me! but they can't function as a complete substitution for irl human interaction, no matter how hard i try. when your real life and your digital life hold such a deep divide, it's hard to keep things balanced and healthy. i certainly haven't. like, i'm definitely not one of those horrific stories you hear about (e.g. chris-chan) but it's safe to say that i don't have the healthiest relationship to the internet. i mean, how could i?

anyway, um.

even though i like to think i haven't done anything particularly terrible, i do get very anxious about being seen. being known. being percieved. it's something i know i talk about a lot but it's hard not to get my mind off of. when everyone on twitter and whatever other social media is constantly angry and constantly yelling and everything is terrible then it's hard not to think, sometimes, "oh god what if that were me in that situation". i try to offer people the benefit of the doubt; it's bitten me in the ass before and no doubt it'll happen again, but i just can't bear to interact with somebody without at least trying.

there's a couple of things in my past i want to run away from. it'll probably be pretty easy? like, i didn't do a whole lot as a teenager and so it's not like i have drug charges or a criminal record to worry about. it's moreso the people that i knew, when i was at my lowest. they knew a person that i'm embarrassed to be associated with. everyone cringes at the shit they said when they were younger, and i'm no exception.

and, honestly, i really regret alot of the relationships i had in middle and high school. i didn't come out of that alright. it wasn't the school's fault so much as it was the kids i was in classes with- i went to a tiny weird private school.

do you ever think about how the actions you make will shape the person that you end up becoming? i don't. at least, not as often as i should. i sort of just flow through life. go with the flow, i guess? but the problem is that you can't do a character customization about it. you can't just decide one day that you're going to have naturally neon green hair. you can dye it neon green but it won't be natural and it's gonna stain your pillowcases. like that, but it's a metaphor. you know?

eh, probably not.

i don't fuckin know, man. i have control issues and it's something i'm working on with my therapist.

i want to be open in who i am. i want to display my flesh and i want people to look at it wholly. but you'll never be able to do that, because your skin hides your organs and unless you rip it open then they won't see the insides of your ribcage. you can autopsy yourself all you like; you can't ever put every single cell on a 360 display. and even if you could, that would most certainly kill you. and then the person that you are wouldn't exist anymore.

i've been feeling sick the past couple of... uhh... years. i mean, days too. i eat like shit and it's always making me feel like shit and i'm not in a place where i can eat better.

i want to move on. i want to move out already. i want to start my fucking life. i feel like i'm wasting away and dying here, living at home. every wretched day i wake up and i'm still in this house feels like i'm stuck in prison for a crime i never committed. i feel hopeless and i feel like there's no way out.

...

hey, there, random reader. what're you doing here? why are you reading this?
it's something i wonder about a lot. i've spent so much of my life trying to unravel the mystery that is my brain that the mere existence of expression itself is brought into question. what do you gain from reading this? what do i gain from writing this? i'll probably never meet you, whoever you are. i don't think anyone looks at my website, but according to the unique site hits counter on the front page, 111 different IP addresses have looked at it. that's 111 different computers, so at least 111 different people. that's not including the neocities view count: i'm not sure what that count actually IS, programmically speaking, but right now it's 12,691 views. that's a lot. i know most of those can't just be me refreshing the page to make sure i got my code right- that's maybe a thousand, max.

who are you? why are you here? is there something you want from me? i'm sorry, i don't think i can give it to you.

i don't know... i kinda can't help but view interactions as transactional. i try really hard not to, because i think that's a shitty way to live. but i was raised to think that everything is a give-and-take and that you owe your debts and you pay your debts and you don't get to complain when what you get isn't what you wanted because you can't be picky when you're pathetic enough to beg.

capitalism ruined my brain. i'm a depressed socialist and i'll complain about it all the diddly darn long day. c'est la vie.

um

i feel like i had a point i was getting to but i think i lost my thread

that happens a lot. adhd or whatever. i'm not officially diagnosed but i'm medicated for it so puzzle that one out if you wanna. i do think it's funny that i got UN-diagnosed with autism in a school meeting, once, by a psychiatrist who i'd only ever met that once and never again since. he said i was too charismatic and functional and that the DSM-5 changed the definition/symptom requirements for autism so i don't count anymore. like, aspberger's doesn't exist anymore and i guess i had that (even though that's literally just a nazi designation for "the functional ones") and he looked at that and he looked at me and my incredible high schooler charm (sarcasm.) and he was like. yup nope you're too functional. taking it off the list. you don't need accomodations for this in your school so we are removing it. autism removed.

i could probably tell that story better. it's funnier when i say it out loud, i guess.

there's more i want to say, but i'm getting nervous about oversharing again. it's funny- i get so, so scared, all of the time, forever, about things that are pretty unlikely to happen to me. i'm not a pedophile and i don't plan on murdering anyone and i'm pretty sure my internet opinions are milquetoast at best but even so i still get scared that someone is gonna have some incredible beef with me and try to ruin my life. i don't know how i'd cope with that. i don't think i would.

i still need to read "so you've been publicly shamed". i hear it's a good book but i don't own a copy yet. i have a lot of books i need to read but still haven't yet. i'm probably not going to take all of them with me when i move out though.

does anyone else struggle with actually selling things you need to get rid of? it feels like nobody ever looks at my listings. like i'll have something up for months and months and months and nobody buys it. it's kind of annoying but i guess i might be going about it the wrong way.

umm

gosh, what else do i even talk about

college's started! sort of. i've got two classes and only one of them is in-person, and the other is all online and self guided. i want to take more but at the same time i know too heavy of a workload would absolutely wreck me so i'm going to take it slow for now. i can try taking more classes next semester once i know i have a handle on getting my work done consistently.

whenever i think about my work history, i feel really awful. i've been historically unreliable and struggle a lot, but it's still hard to think of myself as "disabled". at the same time, it's very easy to think of myself as "disabled" when i'm in my worse moments, when i hate myself and i feel stupid. so i guess i don't really know.

my therapist my judgement/perception can often be warped. i still don't understand how i can be trusted or respected at all when that's the case.

thinking about it, this website is a personal project in pursuit of self discovery, more than it is anything else. it'd be nice if people looked at it, but that's not why i'm making it.

i'm making it for me.

that's a pretty new thing... to do. i'm not used to it- doing something just for myself. but it's a skill that i ought to practice. and i think this is a good place to start.

i should finish up some of those WIPs i have laying around, i have a whole bunch.

i dunno.

it's 10:57 AM now. i spent a good long time just barfing my words out without going back much to checkproof and edit and whatever. that's not the point. it's a journal, not an essay. i like writing essays but those are a different vibe and purpose than this is.

my arms are feeling a little sore and i want to get up and stretch my legs, so i think i'm going to do that. and brush my cat, i think. he's got some mats in his armpits and though he doesn't complain about them i know they're bothering him. he doesn't like getting brushed but it's something that i've gotta do for his own good. he tolerates it very well, though, and i'm proud of him for that.

'til next time, i suppose. see you! hope you have a good day, whoever you are :]

happy new year's! i've been neglecting this site a little, ngl. the holidays are always a really stressful time for me, so i haven't had the juice to write up any new content. that said, i've been feeling the urge to redo the base template that my site is based off of, so some links are gonna be broken for a bit while i get everything set up again. womp womp

i had more i wanted to say, but honestly i'm just really lethargic right now and i don't feel like rambling very much (for once) and i think i'd just like to get back to working on this site.

hope you have a good day!

i went on a walk about an hour ago. it's really cold out and my nose started running pretty quickly so i didn't go all the way around like i thought i was going to and instead i just went down a block and back. i think it might've taken me like 20 minutes in total, if you count the time i spent just sitting outside my house.

i've been in a really bad depressive slump lately. like, i've started drawing properly edgy vent art again, which i haven't done since like october, and even then that was pretty sparse and sporadic. i guess it's seasonal? i always think to myself, oh, i can't have seasonal depression. i'm just always depressed. because that's true: i hate summertime, i hate when it's too sunny out, and i don't like being warm. sweating is the worst feeling on the planet and i'll take frostbite over that shit any day of the week. at least when it's cold you can layer up. when it's summer, you can only do so much, and then you just have to sit there in your own gross wetness and feel like a pile of slime.

a friend of mine pointed out that i might be having trouble holding down a job because of my disabilities. i'm still kind of shocked at how novel that concept is to me. like, in my head, i know that i'm disabled, but it's another thing entirely to have proof of such a thing, you know? i mean, i've got my diagnoses and everything, but that's hardly saying very much. lots of people have depression and are some semblance of functional. i'm even medicated. it just feels like it's a moral failing more than it is a disease or condition i can't control. especially with my therapist telling me i'm not willing to do stuff sometimes. it's hard to read the line between "i can't do this" and "i don't want to do this" and "i feel like i can't do this even though i technically can so i just won't."

i wonder if i should be sharing so much. i mean, i don't plan on making my meat world identity known. i certainly don't plan on telling any of you about my nationality or whatever. that'd be weird.

eh. oh well.

i'm listening to some jazz right now. i have the heater on under my desk because my legs get cold, but i'm also wearing a t-shirt. what's up with that?

i tried writing some poetry earlier today, before i went on my walk. in fact, that was kind of the thing that triggered me being like "ok, i need to go outside and get some fresh air," was getting frustrated with my inability to write poetry well right off the bat with intention.

i think there's benefits to things like wordpress and twitter and tumblr and whatever, but i like having my own space for me.

anyway, art's weird. it's something i've been struggling with in some capacity or another for years and years and years. i've always been pretty insecure about my art- and that includes writing, as well as every other kind of art form you can think of.

my mom threw out a sculpture i spent a lot of time working on in class at school. i'm still sad about that. she made me throw out a different one, too...

art's just hard. it always feels like i make art better when i'm not actually trying. if i have any kind of intent or vision in mind, that immediately spoils it, and i get my clumsy hands all over the thing and spill paint everywhere and it's just a mess. when i'm absentmindedly doodling, when i'm just not paying attention or don't really care, that's always when my art looks like something i could be proud of, something worth showing to other people. some people make their art for greater purposes. like a divine calling, or some other kind of justified reason to make your marks in the world, on stone, on canvas. for me, i just want other people to understand.

i have all these art books. i don't really look at them for the same reason i don't look at the other books i own. reading in the physical world reminds me too much of my own body, using my fat fingers to flip through pages. i wish i could just exist in a space without feeling so miserable. i'm very sick of it.

i'd like to be happy, you know? i'd like to make things. i want to feel good about the things that i make and the stories i tell. but it's so hard. and i need so much comfort from others. validation. i need to be told i'm doing well... it's embarrassing.

phew, a lot's been on my mind lately. i have a bad habit of hoarding stuff, and "stuff to do in the future eventually sometime maybe" is one of the many things i hoard. like, my youtube watch later right now is 668 videos long- and that's just on youtube. i have a literal spreadsheet of media that i've been meaning to play or watch or read and it's HUNDREDS of entries long. i seriously need to spend some time trimming that down or i'm never gonna have that off my mind. like, i think the idea was, at first, to make sure that i'd never be bored, but instead all it's done is given me decision paralysis and i have no idea what to watch or play or read even though i have SO many options. god, that's not even getting into the 300+ steam games i haven't touched- but there's still more i want to add to my collection! like, you'd think, oh, maybe you should beat some more of those before you buy more, but i like having them! likewise with itch.io games - oh, god, now that's a library and a half that i'm NEVER finishing, huh...?

maybe i need to reframe how i've been looking at this. i'm almost certainly not going to get to every single one of these pieces of media during my lifetime. lord knows, a lot of the movies in my letterboxd to-watch list are only really there because they're "classics" and i feel like i "need" to watch them to get some kind of, like, higher-minded media education or whatever. like how everyone says citizen kane is peak cinema, or how you reference shakespeare because everyone knows it. like that!

y'know, thinking about it, and thinking about backloggd (which is just letterboxd but for video games) i think i'd rather just have my own review section of media on my own website. you know? i think i'll do that!

anyway, yeah, so i have a LOT of stuff that i've been meaning to get into, and it's a little overwhelming, especially because i have this like neurotic inability to consume media unless i am inexplicably pressured to by the universe. i'm really bad at finishing things, and i'm also really bad at commitments, so unless a friend gently bullies me into watching a musical or something i'm probably NEVER getting that done.

unless...

oho? what is this? an idea? perhaps i could record all of my media whatsits on my webbed site? the funny little place where i can put pngs and whatnot at my own discretion? where my free will can be expressed onto a page and i don't have to worry about the mortifying ordeal of being known that comes with social media?

my god, i'm a genius!

i mean, i'm still considering adding a commentbox or something... i don't want to be COMPLETELY detached from whoever's out there looking at my work. but also i don't want it to be so ridiculously easy to have my contact and to harass me or whatever. it's something i'm very very very anxious about, as i've noted several times in the past. like to the point i think i'm even paranoid about it. i've seen a LOT of nasty internet drama go down over the years so i'm naturally inclined to avoid it, i guess. plus, i don't like it when too many people are looking at me, but that's more of a personal thing...

---

well, lately, i've been playing a lot of FFXIV, Potionomics, and Signalis. i'm almost done with potionomics and a friend of mine tells me i'm getting near the end of Signalis, and FFXIV i'm like still stupidly new to even though i've dumped well over 200 hours into it at this point. mmos are like that, you know? anyway, i've been having a good time with all three of them, and i've even written up a guide to potionomics because it's pretty hard. signalis is fucking excellent as well, like easily a contender for game of the year. it's everything you or i could ever want in survival horror. both games are honestly laser targeted towards me and my tastes, just in drastically different ways. i have a lot of things i like in a lot of different flavors, you know?

anyway...

i do think i like the idea of using my own website to store all the 'content' i make instead of just splattering it over a series of completely different social medias. it's easy to lose track of all those accounts and different passwords, man. it's exhausting. and i like having everything in one place, organized how i want it to be organized, however messy and eccentric that may be.

i don't plan on like... making a "living" out of writing blog posts or whatever, though. "content creator" is one of those newfangled occupation terms that i REALLY don't like. it's not as bad as "influencer" in terms of uncomfortable dystopian implications, but it's still a weird and bad term that i'm not a fan of. like, what, you create content? that could mean literally anything. i know that's part of the point, since a lot of internet-based media especially is hard to pin down and define, but STILL!!

besides, umm...

i dunno. it's good to have something to direct all my brain energies into while i'm stuck waiting around. i signed up for the spring semester at a community college and i'm just waiting on that to happen. i mean, it sucks, because it's kind of felt like i've always spent my life just... waiting around, instead of living, but i'm trying to stay optimistic. i took a few trips to visit some friends over the past year or so, and that's done a lot to help light a fire under my ass and get me outta this depressive slump.

my loved ones and my therapist all say that i'm improving and they can see it, but i really can't... i guess that makes sense, i mean, you don't really notice that you're getting taller as you get older until you think back about when you were little and everything seemed huge. i could probably have put that more eloquently, but still.

man, i sure do ramble a lot, huh?

i've got some spreadsheets and lists to whittle down, i think. wish me luck! hope you have a good day :]

back from my trip abroad! i went to go visit some friends for about a week, plus i was pretty busy with some other life stuff. now that i'm back, i have a bit of time to decompress and chew on some stuff, mentally, that i've been kinda avoiding. i don't wanna go into TOO specific of details, since i don't wanna dox myself and all, but i think i'm finally open to trying school again and getting a job. kickstarting my "life" has been difficult and really rough on me, so hopefully i'll be able to get the ball rolling a little faster than it has been.

i'm glad to be back! on my pc, though, not at home. i want to move out as soon as i can. there's a lot of reasons why that is, but i'm just gonna leave it at that for brevity's sake.

there's just so much to think about, you know? where am i gonna move? what am i gonna do? i have a few ideas, but i'm hesitant for a lot of them for a lot of reasons. it's like when you're scrolling netflix and you get choice paralysis because you just can't decide what to watch. but it's that for your entire life.

btw, the other day i watched this italian cartoon called "tear down the dotted line", i think? and it was pretty alright! it's basically just some dude rambling for 6 episodes about the events of one day and it all feels very youtube-storytime-video-y, but not necessarily in a bad way. like if you gave one of those storytime youtubers a proper budget to do their shit in, and also it was in italian. i liked it!

been watching more gundam and stuff with a friend, too. i really thought i wouldn't like it at first but it's growing on me.

but yeah, with all this life stuff i'm gnawing on, i've been pretty stressed. i don't have a lot of great coping methods to deal with all that stress so i'm gonna try to direct all that into doing more on this website. it's an outlet, you know? even if it's not the most efficient one, given that code isn't exactly going to capture the deep intricacies of my mind palace or whatever, lmao

i do wonder what it'll be like, reading stuff like this years and years down the line. i've been journalling a long time and reading old entries always makes me feel like i'm reading someone else's diary. like i'm violating their privacy, even though that was literally me and i literally remember writing those things. it's wack!

oh, speaking of wack, i have some stuff that needs doing. quite a lot, honestly. i've been putting it off because that's kind of just how i operate while i'm at home. procrastination nation baybey. that's one of the big reasons i want to move: when i'm anywhere BUT home, i get things done, but if i'm at home (which i am, all the time) then i don't do jack or shit.

one of the things i DO really want to do is move in with my partner. they live pretty far away, though, and they're in a similar situation to mine (broke as fuck) so it's been rough. i love them a lot, though, and i want to be able to hold them in my arms someday. there's something to be said about the magic of computers and what they can do for human connection, how they can bring relationships out of the mother fucking aether, but they can only do so much, you know? no matter the romance of lovers crossed by wires, i still really wish that i could hang out with my friends physically more often. the people in my life are everything to me.

kinda run out of stuff to talk about for the time being, so i think i'll end this here. i'll see you soon, hopefully!

yeah, sure, i guess i'l write in here.

i've been neglecting this site a little. i've been pretty distracted with other stuff in my life right now, like watching anime i didn't think i'd ever been interested in (and then proceeding to cry because said anime was so fucking good)

like i've said like five times before, i'm a little paranoid of people finding my stuff and then using it to ruin my life or whatever. but the fact of the matter is, like... i know me, and i know i haven't really done anything wrong. if someone wants me to take down a graphic they made, i will in a heartbeat. i'm an artist myself, man! i know how it feels to have your work stolen and spread around the internet without your O-K. i make as much an effort as i can to source everything that i find, but man, tracking down every single image can be kind of a headache sometimes. not to mention how it's practically impossible to find the true authors of a lot of widely-spread gifs and stuff.

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woOOoOOoOsh ok pretend that was a really long timeskip ok. it's like 11:23 AM now. i spent a decent chunk of time updating the formatting for this page and adding some graphics to make it look nicer! how about that :D

ok, now that i've got all that in order, i guess i can just kind of ramble about whatever i want. i'm listening to some keygen tunes. they're a really neat, weird part of internet subculture; basically, people who share around software illegally will make music to play during installation or whatever of the cracks that they make. here's the mix i'm listening to- here's hoping the link doesn't break anytime soon! it's pretty good stuff, funky jams, all that jazz. it's one of those weird mini niche parts of the world that you just really wouldn't know about unless you're really into piracy and hacking and internet shit in general, i guess. i've never actually heard any of the songs in this mix before, (you can guess why lol) but i'm enjoying it so far! :P

pbpbpbpb. what should i talk about, even. i'm lookin at this page and i've got nothin'.

been writing a lot. playing games, all that. friend of mine's been getting me into gundam! that's been fun. i'm gonna visit 'em soon so hopefully i can build a gunpla with them once i get there.

i always have a million things on my to do list, mostly because i never run out of things that i look at and go, "oh, i should do that!" and then i never do. or sometimes, i do! the fun part is that you never know. i'm trying to have a more positive outlook on things these days- life's been rough enough as it is without me contributing to all of it, you know?

my therapist says that i should eat better. i don't know how much that's influenced this, but i ate a couple of baby carrots this morning, so that's something! i'm gonna take the little victories where i can, man. i'm always embarrassed to share them, because it's like, you know, "oh, why weren't you doing that in the first place?" and i don't want to share why THAT is. i just want to share the joy i take in knowing that i brushed my teeth or something.

speaking of which, i should go do that...

i guess i'll leave you here for now. 'til next time!

well, i figure this is as good a start as any. hi there!

my name's rekanochi. i don't know how much personal stuff i'll reveal on this website. hopefully not too much - if you've read my blogspot entries, you know i'm kind of paranoid about stalkers and harassment. but i've always taken internet safety at least a little seriously, and it's not like i have a lot of social media outside of stuff i use the name "rekanochi" in.

anyway, how are you doing? good? i hope so! :3

this kind of thing is new to me, to be honest. i grew up on the tail end of the old web, i think. dredges of what used to be slowly falling out of fashion in favor for bigger social media websites and all that. i played a lot of those in-browser virtual worlds for kids. you know, club penguin, fantage, animal jam. there's a couple others i'm probably missing - i played a LOT of mmos as a kid. it was kind of the only form of gaming accessible to me at the time. that, and flash games, of course! but i didn't have the technical know-how to emulate stuff, and my parents didn't buy me any consoles as gifts for my birthday or anything because they were so expensive. it makes sense, too, tbh. $60 per game was a lot back then, and it's a lot now!

not to say that "back then" was all that long ago, though... i mean, it still feels like it's 2012 sometimes, haha. there's some reasons for that but i'm not gonna get into it now i don't think.

hey, speaking of websites- the deltarune anniversery was yesterday, and MAN, the event that toby fox and his crew @ fangamer have put on is absolutely buckwild. i'm loving every second of it, man! i've been foaming at the mouth for more deltarune since i finished chapter 2, and this is like, just about everything i could ask for short of the release of the rest of the game.

man, i sort of lost my train of thought. that happens a lot, haha. i get distracted easily. my brain's always going so fast. what else should i talk about?? hm

i guess that's the magic of it all, isn't it? the fact that i'm talking to you from another time, another place. the way that the internet has made it so much easier to communicate with other humans from just about any place on the globe, so long as you're connected to this gigantic massive web of... tubes??? basically??? man, i don't know how the internet works at a base technical level, but it's fucking magic is what it is.

like, we as a species managed to trick a bunch of rocks and sand into thinking. we can run processes and algorithims and shit all from these uber complicated tools that we've cobbled together from shit out the ground. isn't that buck fucking wild to think about? like, genuinely, this is sci-fi shit. we live in the future. isn't that wonderful?

on a semi unrelated note, i've thought about maybe scanning the pages from my old journals and posting them here. i support neocities, so i get 50 GB to store whatever the hell i want on here, but i don't think i'm super keen on, um, doing that. those journals are really personal. i journalled a lot from about 5th grade to the end of high school. i still do, from time to time, but mostly it's just an excuse to put stickers in pages in a pretty notebook i have. i love glueing shit together and pasting stuff and making art out of other people's stuff. i love garbage, i love ephemera. it makes me so sad that so much of the old web has been lost to time.

but yeah, i have a whole thing about being forgotten. the concept scares me. i have kind of a hoarding problem. and a bunch of other problems, too. i've got issues like you would not BELIEVE. but nothing scares me more than the idea that i might die and suddenly everything that i was and am and ever was and ever will be just- disappears. how am i supposed to cope with that? is it the anxiety? the fear of death? who knows! whatever the case may be, i
completely lost my train of thought. hold on let me back it up a second
okay, journals, right. i still have all those journals, even though those years in school were terrible awful miserable and i had absolutely the worst time. some of those pages are, quite literally, stained with blood. ;O_o you can sorta tell i was going through it, even without that gross detail. i'd just sit there in class and write in my journal, or doodle, instead of doing anything else. i'm kind of surprised i graduated high school at all; i slacked a TON on my homework and i barely ever did any classwork unless it was something i could half-ass.

my life up to this point has been pretty rough. i'll say it now that i'm dealing with a lot of shit. i'm stressed, i'm sad, i'm scared. i'm a young person coming into adulthood during THIS time of the human timeline, of all times. i have enough diagnoses to fill out a CVS reciept.

man, i sure do talk a lot.

i don't really have a point to most of this. i'm just trying to express myself. find myself, as it were. use this site as a form of gentle exposure therapy to the mortifying ordeal of being known. i'm a shut-in with a lot of anxiety, but i want to get out more, i want to meet people, i want to make friends, i want to LIVE LIFE. but that's really hard to do, lately, for a number of reasons i'm sure you can think of yourself. you're a smart person! look outside, man. stuff's rough.

in my old journals, i wondered a lot what future historians would think of when they found my writing. what would they think of me? would they like me? would they value my work?

who knows.

i'll be dead by then! and dead people can't worry about that kind of stuff, they're too busy haunting houses or whatever.

i do think i'm gonna keep the journals, though. for as long as i can. just to see. maybe they can help someone in the future, in some weird fucked up roundabout way.

who knows?

i sure don't!