this is where i'm going to post some of my vent art, the dates they were drawn, and my thoughts about them. i won't post EVERYTHING i've drawn: just the stuff i think is visually interesting and worth sharing with others. there's a LOT of vent art in my doodles folder, so i've been pretty selective about which ones to post and which ones not to. either way, it's all extremely personal; please be gentle.
i'll be posting in reverse chronological order, so the images closest to the top are the most recent, and the images closest to the bottom are the oldest. ALSO: titles for every image will be the filenames that they're saved as on my computer, so some of them are bound to be very silly.
Wednesday, December 1, 2021, 10:05:53 PM - dearth graps
this one is about, like, something something the perverse nature of exposing yourself and your raw organs to others. but the "raw organs" is a metaphor for how gross and unhealthy it can be to vent excessively to your loved ones / constantly be super negative and complaining about shit all the time.
Thursday, November 18, 2021, 11:26:21 AM - an autopsy of the self
the text scribbled out reads: if i manage to explain the violence in my brain," i thought, "i'll get the answers i need." it's kind of a sentiment i've held for a long time... still do.
Thursday, October 7, 2021, 9:31:32 PM - immolation
this one was very much an attempt to describe, visually, a very gross feeling that you get physically. the symbolism's obvious to me but i dunno if it'll be as obvious to other people. art's weird like that.
Monday, September 13, 2021, 9:01:15 AM - stressed and not coping the best
i doodled this once to cope with some seriously intense self harm urges i was having that day. honestly it's still kind of a #mood as the kids say
Tuesday, August 31, 2021, 9:35:39 PM - im kinda having a time
this one's about vomit and emotions being the same thing. that's abt it
Tuesday, August 31, 2021, 9:28:17 PM - dirty glasses
filename for this one was "dirty glasses" because i hadn't cleaned my glasses and i was feeling some ways about that. did you know that if you cry while you're wearing glasses, they get these annoying water stains that are kind of a pain to wipe off?
Tuesday, August 3, 2021, 10:21:35 AM - struggling with dysphoria
this one is about gender dysphoria, somehow. don't ask me how because i honestly don't remember what was going through my head when i drew this. something about playing cat's cradle?
Saturday, July 3, 2021, 9:17:15 PM - BLINDED BY THE SUN
not a lot to say about this one, i don't think. i tend to draw closer to my actual body type in art like this. more transgender dysphoria feels, you know how it is.
Sunday, June 13, 2021, 8:16:40 PM - goodbye; im going back to hell
there's this one GHOST (the vocaloid producer) song with the lyric "AND THERE'S STATIC POURING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH" and that's basically just the vibe i was trying to channel but i don't think i did a very good job. honestly i'm not even that satisfied with this one but i've already put it here and i don't feel like deleting it.
Thursday, April 29, 2021, 8:12:31 PM - PITY THE FOOL
this one's one of my favorites i think. you can sorta tell i used some clip studio paint asset brushes for it though lol. not a lot i have to say other than i think it's cool
Wednesday, April 28, 2021, 5:27:51 PM - strawberry booze
there's like so much going on in this one i don't even know where to begin if you asked me to explain it. you could probably tell but i've been dealing with a lot of very weird feelings in regards to my sexuality and this is an attempts to express some of those.
Sunday, April 18, 2021, 9:18:17 PM - mania
i drew this while i was having my very first (i think) manic episode! it was genuinely very scary and terrifying and i'd like to never experience such a thing ever again in my life if that's possible, please.
Sunday, March 28, 2021, 8:08:25 AM - handless
a lot of my older (i'm talking, like, WAY older) vent art was all about disembodied hands and shit so this is, weirdly enough, a callback to that. those drawings are super super super old and bad though so i'm probably not gonna share any of them unless i find a hidden gem somewhere in there. which is unlikely.
Friday, March 19, 2021, 8:37:21 PM - a nightmare influenced by imagination
this is from a nightmare i had years and years ago. to quote my DMs with a friend on the subject:
"recently i remembered a nightmare i had about this like... thin rachety old tower, straight outta some sketchy horror thing people would call tim burton, and you would go inside and it was all black. the doors were black, and you couldn't see
and i remember there's being... monsters? something. there were voices, and you were blind and couldn't see, and i was forced to go up the tower unable to know where i was going. every time i looked outside the window for breath i think i saw text of what the demons were saying
this was years and years ago mind you like
i think i was 10
i dunno why i remembered it recently
i know there were red, velvety curtains. and something about it all felt formal, but with a deep, deep, deep sense of dread. something was very wrong
i don't remember much else tho"
Wednesday, March 17, 2021, 9:51:34 AM - crinkling of paper
ok so i spent a LOOOT of words rambling about this to a friend once so i'm just gonna slam that copypaste into a box right here for your and my convenience's sake.
i dont understand the idea that things have to adhere to a certain level of quality in order to have value. i think i might be developing psychosis or at least psychotic-esque symptoms from living in isolation so damn long. bitches be resonating with christian theological imagery despite not even being raised christian and hoo boy am i bitches
probably genuinely losing my mind a little and not sure how to feel about that but not really sure how to feel about a lot of things either. reality is kind of something im constantly on the doubts about so
have i talked about uhhhh catullus 16
its the latin background in that one with the latin. its a poem infamous in like literary history cause its been around ages, ykno ancient rome and all, but it wasnt released until the 20th century or so because it was so raunchy
which i guess makes sense the first line translates roughly to "i will fuck you in the ass and fuck your mouth"
it's really interesting imo cause like a lot of poetry from the era was considered to just be like yknow hoity toity big boy galaxy brain shit but its clear that some people like this legend were just writing about having sex and this guy in particular was annoyed that people were giving him shit for having dirty poems
and there's this one song by a vocaloid artist i really like that uses it as its chorus
https://youtu.be/e-XURlfUxeY
i like ferry's work a lot it resonates w me ykno
theyve been doing a series called parties are for losers which is like, based off this book series ive never read w mutants and shit, and its like this really down to earth expression of teenagerhood in shitty slavic ghettos ykno?? i dunno it just Feels Right and i enjoy the characters a lot
also its russian and i have mixed feelings about that but whatever i like it so
anyway hack writer
i get the chorus from this song stuck in my head a lot
im not positive but i think this song is about like, yknow, a freelance/commission author (like the type who'd do buzzfeed articles or whatever) who encounters a Creativity Demon Oh Woah! and like she tries to teach them about how you shouldnt be ashamed of expressing yourself freely n such but the song ends on a note that like, they havent learned their lesson? so im not really sure. the symbolism is a little hard for me to decipher but i know the use of coral snakes is intentional and the one lyric about toes scraping through lakes hits me in a really visceral way i cant describe. like, yknow, cold water, deep underwater, toes scraping against rocks, head kinda ringing? i dunno it feels like a dream i mightve had at some point
i really enjoy ferry's work a lot, i admire their artstyle and i wanna try to mimic some aspects of it
i do definitely feel the message of like. unapologetic expression. and the whole bit of 'barely alive enough to make the deadline' hits real hard esp w/ school lately
im a person who like needs reasons for things, yknow? i gotta rationalize shit, so i can understand it. if i understand it then it's way less scary. that's pretty much the whole reason i talk so goddamn fucking much its cause if i can dissect and disentangle my disaster christmas tree light bundle of a brain then its less scary to live here
but it bothers me that there's just things that hit the right chord for me and i quite cant explain why
a friend of mine is very much of the opinion that its not worth worrying about most of the time. i mean, sometimes you just like things! sometimes you just are who you are, you feel what you feel, and to an extent i agree with that
but sometimes it's like
it feels intentional
not to say i believe in an all-knowing god or whatever, fuck that shit. if there even is some grand creator i've got a stern motherfuckin word to have with the bastard and they sure as shit aren't crafting everything to their exact precise ideal because
...well
frankly i don't know why i don't think so
i mean you hear christians go on and on about The One True Plan or whatever
it's all ineffable and shit. like good omens is a good example of satire about that kinda thing i really enjoy. love me some neil gaiman and terry pratchett
but like
what, so me wanting to kill myself was planned? all of this was planned? you have the power to make things intentionally, to put into ways that you want to, you have the ULTIMATE CONTROL
and you fucking do this shit with it?
nah.
i don't believe that.
i dont think i believe in the astral plane, at least not in the way some of the people ive spoken to have described it. it really does feel like a case of pattern-seeking behaviors taken a step too far
like yknow that post of kids on tiktok talking about reality shifting into fictional universes and shit? where it's really obvious they got into occult stuff way too early and are confusing regular imagination for reality?
it's not on that LEVEL to me but it's definitely the same genre
and, yknow, your feelings are real. nobody can take them from you, and it's shitty to try
but i find it hard to believe that there's some secondary plane 'above' this one if there haven't exactly been any consistent repeatable studiable consequences from it
the human brain is fuckin garbage shittrash and sometimes it percieves reality weird. we can imagine and visualize things and i think that's where people are getting confused. but also i dont want to invalidate people's beliefs yanno
me, personally? i just want answers. i want a solid, concrete, cold steel ball that i can look to and say definitively, yes, this is true. this is a fact
everything about my life is so woozy and hazy and blurry, it all blends together in one giant nauseating soup. and nauseating in the same way that you get when you eat too much candy
so the occult fascinates me in that the aesthetic is dope as hell and there's a lot of it i resonate with
but i don't agree with it
because the core conceit is "you will never find answers, you will never have everything, you will never KNOW everything and you will not master it"
at least from the sources ive been reading/hearing that arent like some back alley neon lights psychic
and
that scares me.
that scares me more than you could ever possibly imagine.
earlier, i was panicking a little thinking about how to back up all of my pictures. mostly my art, yanno, but also my photos and just stuff ive saved over the years
everything is impermanent
a usb drive can be lost
theres an external hard drive my mom offered for me to use but she has like her old computer's stuff on it and a lot of family photos and it'd be weird to have that on the same system as my stuff. too personal, i dunno
but printouts can be damaged, paper is thin and flammable and can get wet
it's all ephemeral
it doesn't stick, not forever, and some things do but not everything
really the fact that we can read catullus 16 is just kind of a miracle of nobody fucking up badly enough to get it destroyed
that scares me so bad
i put a lot of myself into my characters. [REDACTED] is very much my wish to just
preserve everything
keep it safe. keep it around
lost media is one of my favorite niche interests because of this
i just want things to stay
i cant bear to think about losing something so valuable and wonderful as the beauty of a human creation
even if it's something terrible, awful, nobody should ever look at it- well, then it's a lesson to be taught! there's always something to learn from just about everything and anything
so yeah
i don't want to listen to everywhere at the end of time, because memory loss is losing evidence and is losing explanations and your stories and they're gone and you can't always get them back
if you can't explain it then what do you have
just accepting it?
i don't know why but i can't do that
blind faith's gotten me nowhere good
only ever hurt me, heh
so
uhhh i forget what my original point was gonna be
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Wednesday, March 10, 2021, 8:42:29 AM - cant say im happy with this one
ok so i REALLY didn't like this one when i first drew it, but as time has gone on it's really grown on me.
Tuesday, March 17, 2020, 8:53:55 PM - THREE VOICES DOWN
the file name for this one is a reference to a song i was listening to while i was having the breakdown i drew this to.
Saturday, March 6, 2021, 6:52:05 PM - ooh hot sexy
this is another one that i didn't like very much at first but has come to have grown on me. more sexuality weirdfeels.
Sunday, February 28, 2021, 5:12:01 PM - F1 - chained
i'm gonna be bundling these together under F1-F6 because they were all drawn on the same day. anyway, when i make my vent art, i kind of just let my stream of consciousness take over and write the words down for me. so it ends up sounding kind of poetic and maybe even prosey but it doesn't mean much of anything at all, unless you're trying to find some kind of david lynch-ass meaning in the words, i guess.
F2 - conceit
looking back at these when i'm in a sound state of mind is almost funny, in a fucked up way, because so much of it is like... huh? holy shit are you good? was i good? evidently not! and it's silly because a lot of the shit i say when i'm having an episode is just blatantly provably untrue.
F3 - ill stay awake tonight
you can sorta tell i was trying to write my own ripoff Will Wood lyrics in this one, huh...
F4 - marbles
what does that even MEAN.
F5 - memento mori
the implications of this one would scare me if i didn't know i was having a delusional episode when i drew this.
F6 - shattered halo
suicidal ideation. that's it that's all i got
Sunday, February 7, 2021, 10:25:29 AM - ive been feeling a way about autonomy and faith and spirituality lately also i was listening to the album dreamland by the glass animals while i drew this you should check it out
the filename is not a joke that is actually what it's called and saved as in my computer.
Thursday, December 3, 2020, 8:32:15 PM - does this even make any sense
i really like this one. i've always resonated a lot with that whole "red string of fate" thing, minus the romance connotation. also i think the anatomy in this one's pretty alright!
Sunday, November 29, 2020, 6:27:50 PM - KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME
you can sort of tell i was having like a category 5 mental illness moment here. i was listening to a lot of Will Wood. lots of my vent art has themes about ripping my eyeballs out, for some reason. and artistic nudity too i guess.
i didn't write down the date for this one and i don't feel like digging it up - I WANT TO MAKE MY MURDER LOOK LIKE A SUICIDE
i think the idea was like... something about a noose, and being bad at poker? i'm really bad at poker. i have a whole thing about card games and stuff.
Monday, August 24, 2020, 9:02:19 PM - headspace / this is more accurate, id say
this is a collage of a bunch of other vent art i drew and some stock photos and junk. it's my second attempt at doing what "UH" was doing but i think this one came out way more accurately.
Monday, August 17, 2020, 11:04:36 AM - UH
i drew this to try and explain what the inside of my head "looks" like to a friend of mine, whom i no longer speak to. it wasn't really accurate at the time and it definitely isn't accurate now, but it kinda looks cool so like, sure whatever.
as a minor aside; this friend was a system (i don't recall the exact one but it was something in the family of dissociative identity disorders) and had a very, VERY distinct way of visualizing how the inner goings-on of their brain worked. i was asking them about some of that stuff because i wasn't very well educated on the topic at the time and i had some concerns regarding my own mental bullfuckery.
in case you're curious: no, i don't think i have anything like that.