Bug Fables, and the ghosts that the internet leaves behind

so like, early on in my days on the internet, i was a lot less shy about posting stuff. i mostly hung out on a few fandom wikis - club penguin, don't starve, animal jam, etc. whatever games i was playing, you know? i was, like, 10, 11, and i was going through this ridiculous elitist atheist phase where i argued with christians on deviantart about abortion. (for the record, in case you wanted an 11 year old's opinion on abortion for some reason, i was very vehemently pro-choice.)

it's weird to think that if i kept up that shit, i probably would've ended up falling down the alt-right youtube pipeline. but i realized i had my head up my ass pretty quick, so i got to dodge that bullet ez pz. but yeah, i was watching youtubers who were yapping about this sorts of stuff, lots of christian atheism, you know, like, the dudebro "haha GOTCHA" kinda type "DEBATE MEEEE" shit that people without hobbies like to do.

anyway, so on wikia, i met a few friends. i'm in sort of contact with a handful of them, but most of them i don't really speak to anymore. such is the way; people come and go in your life.

one of them was a guy i called hound.

he was a friend, and i miss him.

it's kind of painful, but i went to look back in our DMs to get the exact dates and some screenshots of some of the stuff we said to eachother. you could probably write a poem about that. the way that the internet leaves ghosts behind. i'm sure i could if i wasn't so tired from the summer heat.

here's the last conversation we had before he passed:

he was in the hospital for a long time, see. he told me he got sick of seeing the same view from his window every day, so i made the effort to send him photos of cool stuff that i'd seen. just around my neighborhood; i live in a woodsy area, so there's lots of trees and flora and everything looks pretty blanketed in snow. looking back, i think that was nice of me to do, or maybe not. i don't know. i just wanted him to feel better.

it is... 8/3/2022, as of writing this. august 3rd of 2022 on the gregorian calendar.

his birthday was a little over last week, according to the comments on his steam profile. people were wishing him a happy birthday.

and like... i don't know. i miss him. i miss him a lot. i miss him more than maybe i should. we weren't very close but he was a friend of mine and he mattered to me and i was really hoping with all the guts i had that he'd get better. but he didn't, and now he's gone, and for some reason i can't bring myself to hit that 'unfriend' button on his steam profile or his discord.

i don't know. is it normal to grieve over an acquaintance? a friend you wish you were closer with? do i only regret it because he's gone now, and i can't spend any more time with him?

he recommended me this game, bug fables. it's heavily inspired by paper mario, and it's about cute bugs, and it's one of those things that's a perfect cocktail mix aimed directly at me and my tastes and the things that i like in video games. you ever get stuff like that? where you see a piece of media, and you go, "oh, shit, this was MADE for ME." not in a literal narcissistic prophetic sense, but more abstract, just appreciating that this thing that you found has all these hallmarks of things that you like.

i didn't play bug fables for a while. i only bought it a little while ago, when it was on sale.

i bought it along with a handful of other games during the steam summer sale, because i remembered he mentioned it and it looked fun and cute and like something i wanted to play.

i'm a good chunk through the game. if i had to guess, maybe, like, 2/3 of the way through? something like that. i'm definitely getting some endgame vibes from where i'm at, 30something hours in.

it is kind of funny, i guess? i've played for about double the amount of time that he did.

there's some cool stuff that happens in the plot that i wish i could tell him about. i don't think he ever beat it and i don't want to go through our DMs and check because i don't want to hear the conversations of a past cringeworthy me and a ghost that i desperately wish i could properly give my goodbyes.

maybe this is selfish. maybe i'm a bad person. i kind of feel like one. like, "ooh, using your internet platform to talk about something uber personal and process your grief! how very poor taste of you, mister definitely famous rekanochi man!"

blah, i know that's just my mental illness bullshit talking. you ever get that? where your emotions are pulling in the complete opposite direction that your rational brain is, so you start saying shit that's so incredibly NOT what you meant but it slips out anyway and you have to explain, no, you didn't mean that, you're just deranged.

i'm deranged, is my point. i have a diagnosis list like a CVS receipt and i think too much.

i don't know.

this wouldn't make for a very good funeral speech. if this was supposed to be a sendoff, i'd be a lot less selfish about it. but this is my blog and i'm just trying to wrap my head around how i feel.

i hope his family's okay.

miss you, hound. hope whatever's going on in that great beyond is a good time.

i'm gonna go cry now i think.

EPILOGUE

i beat the game on august 10th, 2022. i think it's easily one of my favorite games ever, but maybe i'm biased.